| *NEW* Waiting and Writing *NEW* The broken, aching sound of your thoughts Scrape like bare hands on a weathered, wooden fence And cut in with shards of deepening guilt The unseen is seen from a blind point of view And at the core is my need for survival Withering words become lost in the seance of life Arching into tranquility, I fall to my knees before you The green grass suffocates beneath my knees As I beg you to speak my name again The taste of effulgent memory fills my mouth Confidence becomes arrogance through the ego My meandering pen is repulsive to the clueless Slivered, anchored thoughts embed into my hand And I escape through the exercise of status In a void, I am here; Waiting and writing Night Approaches Piercing blue as the sky once was The sun is going down The cobalt sky is going black Embracing starry crowns The swans call out And swim about A race against the sun Engulfed in rays Forgotten days A shining world is done Nearer My mind, taken up To a plane not known Perceived in a whisper In closeness I dwell Nearer to me Deception afar Guidance, direction Nearer, my God Cold House This cold house Once warm with a glow Now lies in dust and emptiness Once it held soft memories Now it holds the secret To a past once known But long since forgotten Cold, cold house Windowlight Lady Am I dreaming? Are you real? Daylight streaming Stand so still Reach your fingers Out to me My heart lingers Do you see? Curving outline Underneath Glisten softly Hear you breathe Move in slowly Touch my skin Hover over I’m within Dream Last night I dreamt of you Writing in the sky Underneath a broken moon You sang a lullaby Your eyes were pools of fire Burning into mine Your lips were soft like pillows Of clouds in summertime Your gown so freely flowing Purer white than snow Seemed to live around you For love itself to know When I awoke I wondered At such a dream of you I turned and saw you smiling My dream, alas! Was true Dream 2 (The haunt of the hunger) Last night I dreamt of you Your body next to mine Underneath a cover We danced away the time I felt your skin on mine Burn with fervent heat I moved myself inside you And you were there to meet I didn’t love you then Nor did you love me But passion was abound Your lock received my key You screamed and cried and clenched I moved with strong avail The ocean dwelt between us Our bodies rose and fell The ocean, it was raging Intensified in lust And at its end, a climax A heated end in dust I lay and caressed you A hand upon your breast Then I awoke from dreaming Devoid of peace by rest A fire burned inside me I wanted you right then My aching body trembled Alone within my Zen I know you far to well To tell you what I want Now I’m alone with hunger And all it does is haunt Roses (stone and cold) Lady dance alone With no one by your side Feeling far from home All night long you cried Where’s the warmth you knew With lovers all around? Now there’s only you Your heart the only sound Your lips caress the air Like roses stone and cold Your freely flowing hair Holds fast in dreams of gold Emotions hanging down Like cobwebs in the attic Whose memories abound Of roses stone and cold Was it long ago When you, my lonely lady Embraced upon your soul The love that no one knew? And now within your hand Is something lost and old Embraced upon your lips Of roses stone and cold Breathless I walked alone one glorious eve As the sun escaped the sky Its beauty held me breathless As I watched the daylight day The clouds were golden altars That kissed the firmament With arms that reached to heaven They seemed at peace, content The stars appeared like smiles Subtle, soft and shy A song sank deep into my heart As the sun sank from the sky Dead My heart is black like a stone dead corpse My body rings cold and stiff And in my hand I hold a rose As black and cold as I Death is near me in darkened hope Like candles in a morgue Possessed by pain it grips my heart And stretches till I bleed I’m dying I’m dying I’m dead The Gallows Hanging in the gallows A body dangles free Looking up, I realize I’m staring up at me I wonder how I got there I wonder what I did For someone else to hang me And of my life to rid My body hangs so lifeless Swaying in the wind Curs-ed be the gallows To which my life was pinned Hanging in the gallows My body dangles free Looking down, I realize That death had captured me Death of a Spider A man stands stopped The wind blows strong His foot, it drops A spider’s gone A spider’s dead Her children lost Her sidewalk grave Will soon be washed Her children cry Where are you, mom? She had to die Your mother’s gone You’re all alone It’s up to you To find a home For all of you You must find food Or you will die Your web’s too crude To catch a fly Her children run They scream and cry Why did their mother Have to die? She’s gone away She’s cold and dead That foot, it fell And smashed her head Her children yell They scream and crawl Until a foot Onto them falls Now they’re dead, too Bereft and bound And two big feet Stand on the ground Dark Walking through a darkened world Ice stabs quick and brisk Dulling eyes asphyxiate Onto a higher plane Sliding down a whitewash hell Sticking to my skin Cranial identities Collapse onto my brow Remembrance of another time Forgotten and unknown Speaking shocks identity For thoughts of empty stench Disguising signs of indigo The touch of fleeting light Cast your eyes upon me Bewitched inside your sight Softly feather lingers Caress my brooding brow Bewildering in sympathy The when is here and now Dreaming Dreaming I ran away with you Inside a sea of clarity Hoping to see inside your soul To feel your warmth To feel your company Reaching I need to clasp your hand To feel your touch To look into your eyes Drifting into your empty gaze I feel your eyes begin to comfort me Meat Touch me, Move me Let me see you I’m not the one But that’s okay I won’t make you Empty promises I’ll disown you When it’s over Deep inside you Will you hide me? Let me be still While you ride me I won’t even Ask you for it I’m not the one But that’s okay Soak me, wet me Make me shiver Open out now I’ll deliver Let me fill you Let me drill you Wrap around me I’ll unreal you My Breath of Life My breath of life It threatens to leave Inside I know it’s near My soul is lost As I wander through the darkness Writhing on the ground In pain And agony A stone thrown down a well Condemned and lost Take my life So unforgiving Calling out to find my way Decrepit body Entrench a slight stare Stab and stagger through the mist I weep and wail Into the night air Smiling now with dark surprise The light, it comes And swallows me Touch my eyes with coins of gold The sleep, it comes And buries me Let’s Run Away It takes time to heal The wounds with which we live And the stars, they kill The darkness that they give You can reach You can call You can stand but you will fall Let’s run away Disappear Is what Our hearts, they long for now From the pain of life A way outside somehow You can run You can cry You can scream but you will die Let’s run away We can wish our tears Away into another time We can stop the fears That sometimes cloud our minds You can try to be strong But you’ll break Before too long Let’s run away We could cry inside Or we could fly away To a place and time Where only we can say We can run We can fly We can reach And never die Let’s run away Let’s dance into a dream again Where only light resides We’ll run together hand in hand And turn where safety guides Where butterflies will never die And friendships never end Where innocence is here and now And happiness our friend Insanity The insanity is setting in I can feel it burn my skin It’s a celibate scream In a world so free The insanity is setting in I held on with all my might But I shrank and lost the fight There is nothing more Than disaster in store And I’m drowning in my fright You will never know the road I’ve travelled down The thirst hit first and I hit the ground When I looked up and I saw your face You laughed to scorn my weak embrace Could’ve screamed and cried Could’ve run away But my mind caught hold of sweet disarray So I shut my eyes and I lost my mind I hit the ground Left you behind Now I don’t know who I am Am I beast or am I man? Will I ever know, or have I let go Of the person who thinks he can? Will my mind ever be free From he who makes up me? Will there ever be a cure For this spiritual disease? Once there was a man with his mind his own And now that man, his mind is blown Am I that man in disarray You laughed to scorn and ran away? Is my mind still mine or is it gone To a time and place where I don’t belong? I’ll shut my eyes and I’ll disappear I’ll run away Away from here Underneath the Sky (Natalie’s Song) She saw me coming just a mile away And I knew I could see her smile She was dancing by herself And she walking in a cloud She was singing underneath the sky And I could feel her cry She stood waiting for a man clad in white I could hear Him call She was running fast Deep into the clouds She was singing underneath the sky And I could feel her smile I could hear a voice calling out her name Coming down from the sky I could not see but I knew it all the same She was going home She saw me coming just a mile away And I knew I could see her smile She blew me a kiss And she walked into the clouds She was singing underneath the sky And I could feel her fly The Burning Sun We are searching for a brighter day We are searching for a better way We are weeping in a storm of tears We are weeping over stolen years We are reaching for a distant star We are reaching, tell us who you are We are screaming at a world gone mad We are screaming at both good and bad We are singing out a different song We are singing that we might belong We are praying to a God of love We are praying to the God above We are wishing that we might be free We are wishing out of tragedy We are speaking in a different tongue We are speaking in the burning sun The Killing Jar Back against the wall Bit the dust too soon Got my boots all dusty In the trail of another fool Go ahead and scream It doesn’t mean a thing As long as you feel gutsy When you break another rule Holding onto your poison advice Hiding away from the grip of your vice I won’t be the one you’re dragging down Father of Lies; King of the Vain Making them wet in your acid rain Don’t believe you’ll get yourself too far There’s a hole in the center of the universe A spiritual killing jar And endless torment exquisitely inviting A quiet cage awaits your end The choice that you have made The killing jar is opening to you Walking with an Angel Never thought I’d see the day When heaven would come knocking on my door Swore I’d never give my heart away To another soul Then I saw the heaven in your eyes You gave me the life I thought I’d lost You put heaven in my heart Once again You opened up your golden gates And bid me to come in My heart is lost in the clouds again for you Walking with an angel Talking with an angel Laughing with an angel Loving with an angel Steal My Pain Away You can say There is a way And you can cry Until I die But you will never Steal my pain away You can give me Your advice And you can counsel Until you’re blue But you will never Steal my pain away The Beach Sitting side by side A sense of dew As it glistens from your presence The attraction is pure Unrelenting Mutual Alone and the sun is down The empty beach Waiting for first contact One head turns The look intercepted Lips embrace in a soft frenzy of fire Stars dance above As waves come crashing into shore The breeze touches shoulders with the sand A State of Fear You look at me like some kind of dream You’re falling deep into a gaping screen Your eyes are sharp Two-edged and cutting straight Your heart is glass An open gate You laugh at me You know it hides your heart You cannot find the means of comfort Through which you need escape Your body breaks into a thousand points It’s like the dark piercing through your joints You look to see Which way is up Your mind is closed And so disrupt You cannot speak Nor can you hear Your mind expands Into a state of fear You’re Not There I tried to call You didn’t answer I tried to tell you I was wrong It’s been forever since I’ve seen you I need you back where you belong Kept playing games with your emotions Wanted you to be someone you’re not My heart is cold without you near me I thought your love could just be bought I tried to tell you that I’m sorry I tried to show you that I care I stood outside your house and waited And now I know that you’re not there Sweet Baby Overdose (Baby Dream) Moments feeling something strong Tell me, where do I belong? Sing and slumber softly Lend me your ear I can show you out Baby, baby can you hear? Love me, baby hold me dear Hear you crying all night long Baby’s heart so full of fear So far away is much too close My sweet baby overdose Cold tossing and cold turning Spinning in a whirl I cannot see the difference In a tried and twisted dark world Baby, baby listen close My sweet baby overdose Let me hear you sighing soft In your dreams of holocaust Baby, baby can you see What your life will someday be? My sweet baby open up Cry for me a melody Daddy, daddy where’ve you gone? Were you weak or were you strong? Did you make your dreams come true? Did you do what you meant to do? The Hole in the Sky There’s a hole in the sky Bigger than I It could swallow up the clouds It could swallow up the sky Not a word in my head Could describe why the red Is deader than dead In the cold, cold bed Down in the Dungeon Down in the dungeon Where light cannot creep I hang from my shackles And try hard to sleep I hunger and cower In days that go by It’s so hard to breathe I can’t even sigh Retarded (live wire) Don’t touch me I’m a live wire Don’t look at me Or you’ll catch fire I’m too young to be wasted I’m too young to die There was a time When my mind was mine Now I don’t know who I am Inside me now Please show me how How can I make you understand? Every man’s retarded in his own, special way Everyone’s retarded And they don’t know what to say To me Bleeding Insanity Bleeding makes the heart grow fonder Fondness makes the hair grow longer Longing for you makes me stronger Stronger than I used to be The up is up; so up, it’s down Downer never makes a sound The sound I hear is not around Around the time my mind is found Subcutaneous Take me to the station of your oral incubation And begin the litigation to declare emancipation This is no unique sensation when it’s time for your rotation To begin the ovulation here within our little nation It’s a matter of libation at the start of your vacation When the world is in gyration with the ultimate inflation There’s no need for a deflation when you have investigation Watch yourself, here comes temptation (find your way to penetration) This is not a new sensation; it’s a simple infiltration She begins her own lactation at the start of a formation Of a somewhat strong foundation in the lower elevation You begin the demonstration and engage in conversation Have you had inoculation or a simple affirmation? Your astute classification is a lovely decoration Do you have determination to pursue your education? Do I need an explanation or a cross-examination To mix up this formulation then to move to relocation? It will end with exclamation and complex negotiation When we move to the plantation and receive evaluation We release the publication: there will be no visitation So you use imagination (don’t explode the population) If you have specialization, can you find the stimulation To create fertilization or at least its pollination? I despise the preservation when it comes to cultivation When it’s time for expiration, there’s no time for a flirtation Only identification is a silly disputation Over some dumb exploration (must watch out for deportation) And cling tight to inspiration: I must make myself notation It’s a stranger observation so, what is your occupation? There’s a reason for dictation, maybe even meditation And a time for preparation (let’s begin with provocation) With some small sophistication, please control your vaccination This is not a violation: It’s a simple subcutation Maybe if She As she lingers in the morning Dewdrops glisten on her breast Her mind is captive to a stranger Feels his head against her chest She recalls in the heat of the night The way she felt, it seemed so right Her body moved in a wave of motion Moving slow with the sound of the ocean Maybe if she had a picture from last night Carry her through another day Maybe her mind would be less focused Maybe her body would give it away Under cover she was melting Underneath his searching hand She lay dreaming of his presence Any higher, she would never land Her body trembled in ecstasy She was where she wanted to be Sensations inside her growing stronger She could tell Wouldn’t be much longer Maybe if she had the will just to let go And show him what she feels inside Her fantasy never ending Would become reality She whispers her name Do you know what it is? The Choice Pools or sweat Running briskly down my face A state of fear hiding Deeply in your eyes See you moving my way And I’m wanting to run Across the open skyway I’m afraid you’re the one Blood boils hot Deeply inside You’re too close Burned by fire Raining upward in my face Time to make a choice now Should I take a chance? I can hear your voice now I must refuse this dance Scarred your lust Now you’re running Far away Paranoid Half asleep Half awake Nervous for the day break Confusion Utterly taking control of my entire being Cold sweat breaks out in a moment of desperation Running in circles To even get a glimpse of catching a breath I see your face and it haunts me I’m dreaming you It’s like a hell now My unconscious merging with my unconscious You’re after me: I know you are Stay away Leave me alone I must sleep I’m wanting to scream now I open my mouth and force air from my lungs But there is no sound No matter how hard I try Temptation It’s an all night party falling from the sky You can run, you can hide But they’ll get you inside Waiting for that chance as the shadows start to fall Waiting, wanting To have it all I’ll take a ride With an angel by my side A broken back over hopes and dreams My soul churns out a painful scream Chocolate kiss with the wind on your breath It’s a kiss in disguise It’s the kiss of death I’ll take a ride With an angel by my side Eternity Sometimes when I’m lying here awake I look over and watch you sleep The tender look that rests upon your face Makes me think of what you mean to me And silently I weep The things you do to show me that you care Simply mean the world to me Your precious lips, your soft and flowing hair The beauty that you keep Is pure beyond compare Your smiling face reminds me of the sun Lighting up my every step And now our time together’s just begun So look into my eyes You know that you’re the only one I’ll shower you with all I have to give You’re my only heart’s desire Nothing in this world could take your place You’re everything I love You’re the reason that I live And I know I always say it But I love you more than life The greatest gift I have Is calling you my wife And when I stop to think Of all you do for me I’m glad you’re my best friend In my eternity She’s a Liar She’s a liar In the face of the midnight sun Just like a fire She will consume me on the run She’s not a lover But she is everything that I want She’s not my mother She knows all my favorite haunts She’s inconsistent She can never make up her mind She’s so resistant When I lay it on the line She’s hyperactive And she is so out of control She is possessive And she can steal my mortal soul She’s motivated I never see her standing still She’s underrated And I can never get my fill She’s like a bandit Like a thief in my night life Don’t understand it The way she cuts me like a knife Sugar Honey candy taste so sweet Sugar laying at my feet Just one lick and I want more This is what the candy’s for Sweeter than a chocolate kiss The sweet-to-eat nocturnal bliss Your honey pot; your sugar cane Just one taste, I go insane Spread it out and lay it thick Hyperactive oral kick Tell me that you want it, too And you can have my sugar, too Chocolate coated sugar silk Laying here for me to milk Sweeter, baby, sugar high Sweet enough to make you cry Sweet, sweet, sweet sugar The Flight from Sadness The flight from sadness Returns to madness In the purple afterglow of life Reluctance takes hold Deceives the untold And breathes a welcome breath Upon the sea of ignorance Despite the refuse of a day gone awry My mind begins to grow and fly Into twilight With love in its wings To kiss, caress and bless The open, unending sky A hazy shadow looms in thought On a lazy, unending pillow of deceit Desperately I cling to the effervescent afterglow Longing to be free To taste the un-relinquished flavor of sweet abandon In my Fire When I close my eyes I see you in vision Deception is mine Over and over When I open my eyes And no one is watching I think of the way You burn in my fire Never Never has there ever been a never-never Together we all wish there was a way Sometimes there’s an answer To the question of, “what if?” What if never were now, today? Take me on the outside Tie me to the wall String me up your lifeline And watch me slowly crawl Today the sunlight’s drowning It’s drowning in your eyes Breathe your sunlight into me Before this moment dies Watch the sun splinter across the sky Time crashes into the never in your eyes Never can there ever be a never-never Because we’re moving forward As we watch the daylight die Vandal Magnet My tears run black And frozen stiff Onto my burning face My heart is cold My eyes are dead You’re all that I can taste It’s not the way You always say You feel about yourself It’s in your head Until you’re dead Just leave it on the shelf All the Dead Rock Stars Lennon wanted to imagine That the world was full of love No Hell beneath us Only sky above The peace he finally found In his woman and his son Was quickly ripped away from him By a crazy man and his gun Cobain needed the affection That his parents wouldn’t give Despite mass adoration He lost his will to live Alone and barricaded He scribbled his goodbyes To an unforgiving media And forever closed his eyes Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens Jim Morrison, Janis J Joey Ramone and Hendrix They touched in their way I hope I live forever But when I finally go Forget about the bullshit We all reap what we sow All the dead rock stars Are driving different cars tonight They didn’t get too far But maybe we can make things right It’s a long way back to Heaven But it’s a shorter trip to Hell And if I ever get there I hope you’ll wish me well Rain It’s raining What’s left to say? Something about me Something about me Made you go away It’s cold outside I smell the rain Raining inside me I want you beside me Comeback to me and stay The cat cries and so do I There’s nothing left I can say You put me to sleep with your lullabies I’m begging you to stay Don’t leave me How can you now? The world around me Begins to surround me All I have is now I’m sorry So sorry Is that what you want from me? A simple apology? Does it matter to you at all? I sit here and shed a tear And you don’t even know You’re so far but so near The wind begins to blow Heartbreak at Pismo Woke up this evening with nothing left to eat Somehow I managed to stagger to my feet Looked in my wallet But all my money’s spent Don’t have enough now How’m I ever going to pay the rent? Found my way out of the door and down the stairs Wandered down the road to see if she still cares As I got closer, I could see her light was on Looked in the window to find my love had gone Take all your chances on me That’s what she told me Said she would hold me tonight Lay all your heartache on me She said with a smile And give it a while to heal Flew to the ocean to look out on the sea Looking around, there was no one there but me Picked up a seashell and I put it to my ear The sad sound of emptiness was all that I could hear Stood on the shoreline, watched the waves crash into land Hung my head down and my feet sank into the sand How did this happen? Was it something that I said? Where did my life go? I feel as if it’s dead I took all my chances on love I did what she told me She’s not here to hold me tonight Now only heartbreak is mine I can’t even smile I’ll give it a while to heal Suicidal Wrists My precious darling My precious darling What have you done? My little sweetheart My little sweetheart It’s over before it’s begun My darling What have you done? Why didn’t you tell me you were so alone? You locked yourself into your room You let those feelings of gloom and doom Destroy your life And now your life is on the line It’s over now You’re gone somehow My precious darling When I came home I saw you there Sitting alone In your favorite chair I asked, “What’s wrong?” You didn’t respond You simply sighed And later you died How could you do this to me? Suicide, suicidal wrists Prose Ack I’m not feeling very good Don’t feel like I think I should Lately I’ve just been so down All that I can do is frown Doctor says I’m mentally ill Doctor says to take a pill Doctor calls it wonder drug Sure to kill off any bug Now I’m not up and I’m not down I can’t smile and I can’t frown I’m not happy and I’m not sad I’m not mad and I’m not glad The things you do, they agitate me I just don’t like what I see I can’t really tell you why I feel like someone has to die I’ll kill your father I’ll kill your mother I’ll kill your dog And I’ll kill your cat I’ll kill your sister I’ll kill your brother I’ll eat you alive I’m on Prose Ack Psychotic Girlfriend Circles of moonbeams Caressing my head You start to smile I’m tied to the bed You have your way now I won’t complain A little bit frightened You seem so insane In the corner of my eye I can see you move Your body floats above Nothing I can do Circles of sunbeams Caressing my head I see your face My bed turns red Cherry River Flowing out of me Feeling a shiver I just can’t believe In the corner of my eye I can see your knife And your psychotic smile Draining out my life Come and Cause Me I can’t stand this indecision Buried with a lack of conviction You look at me and I turn away from you Everything you say is nothing, nothing new I don’t want to look at your picture I can’t seem to look in your eyes I don’t want to move in your direction White light wipe out my eyes You and I share the same paranoia Floating in the ocean avoiding the destroyer You don’t seem to leave any trace But I can see your shadow all over the place Come and cause me SOS Something in the sound of silence Makes me want to call your name Angry sex and gentle violence But to me it’s all the same You are not the one I think of When I have to think of you Open handed, smiling candid I’ll do what you want me to Give the little bird a cracker Warm her up with herbal tea Grab her, now and then you smack her Makes you want to think of me Silence, quiet, empty, lonely Smiling down upon my face Growing older, oh, so homely Youth can never be replaced Married to an angry woman Never let me leave the house Danced around me like a shaman Cowered like a little mouse Never do I see it coming When I have to see it come Listen now the bird is humming Can’t tell where it’s coming from Adolescence I’ve spent so much time Just growing old Now, young am I Invincible, I’m told Life is a dream And is so short I feel so old I need to scream I want to cry Life is lonely How many moments in time Can I really call mine? Will I ever be old enough to know? I turn to the wrong and I turn to the right But still can’t decide which way I should go Life is so good But so unkind It’s always a question of why or how I look to the past And the future ahead Why can’t I see the here and now? Nobody said there would be Trouble for me I thought I could fly the open sky Now here am I Falling from the sky Going down a road that I don’t know Life is so strange Life seems so long When can I lift my head again? Am I alive or am I dead? Is this the beginning or the end? Oxygen You are my oxygen I tap my heartbeat on your shoulder Immobility takes my life again Apparatus breathing faster Breathe! Breathe for me! Respirational therapy Feel the needle stick inside of me Subcutaneous energy Watch my life drip Slowly, painlessly Sting! Sting for me! Taken Away Standing Watching the waves Crashing To the shore Asking Questions inside Wanting To know more You never said it would be like this Never suspected a thing What’d you do? Where’d you go? Listen Hearing the cry Crying In my head Empty The open sky Falling Falling, falling on the bed You never gave me a kiss like this Lips all shackled in gold How’d you feel? Was it real? Leaving Mind wide awake Holding To your arm Pleading Don’t go away Standing You’re so warm Never been to a place like this Never been taken away Are you there? Do you care? Sinkhole Moving faster than an arrow Alabaster Mia Farrow Can I touch her? I don’t think so Double-dutch her in the sinkhole Am I poison? I’m so ugly Catch her presence, she just snubs me Is it written on my forehead? Stay away, now That’s what she said In the middle I am standing Licks her lips now; crash the landing Empty chasm leading nowhere Silent spasm: Anyone in there? Silhouette in her stilettos With my thoughts she always meddles Push them up with underwire Turn my way, now I’m on fire There’s the look that I’ve been dreading Just a look: it sends me shredding In my deepest, dark desire Grab the ice, put out the fire Now I’m empty: was I lied to? Did just what I thought I should do Should I slap her? I don’t think so Double-dutch her in the sinkhole Miss Mary Mack Miss Mary Mack All dressed in black Had silver studs All down her back She asked her lover For a new toy For something new To bring her joy She liked the whip To hear it crack To feel it slap Upon her back It hurt so bad But felt so good She cried and begged Like a good girl should Thirteen You’re sitting alone With thoughts in your head Wondering why you cry And as you reach For an oh, so distant star You laugh inside your heart Maybe you’re a prisoner Conspiring an escape From reality’s cell And emotional rape You shout out loud, now With anger at them For being close to you You hate who you are But more-so hate him For that day long ago Maybe you’re a stranger To everyone around And nobody wants you To stand on common ground So now you cry And no one knows why No one wants to know Field of Dreams Sandy beaches in my head Dancing dizzy, motionless Starry nights in a forest’s dream Break of dawn in a child’s eye Viewing the world in simplicity Viewing the world with a proposition Innocence on a summer’s night Hand in hand is the only way To disappear into your sunset Of pink champagne I only want to be with you To whisper a dream into your ear I want to take you with me through My field of dreams New Birth Depression rears its ugly head Am I alive or am I dead? The pain is real, this ache of life It cuts into me like a knife When I am down and can’t get up When every word is so corrupt When all my friends have gone away It’s in this hell that I must stay And so I rest my weary head By sunrise, maybe I’ll be dead And those who could not bear my soul Can occupy this darkest hole Goodbye, my friends: The illness wins I’m marked for life and so I sin I take the knife into my grip I let it slice; I let it slip The crimson life out of me drains As I grow sleepy, far from pain The room is quiet, full of peace At last, I find a true release Weep not for me, don’t shed a tear My pain has stopped and so has fear No longer must you hear me cry No longer must you say goodbye The path I take is mine alone I shall not wait for things unknown I sleep the sleep of one well worn Better had I not been born Deliverance Never am I sleeping Never have I time Never resolution Never are you mine Never make you happy Never get your way Never comes tomorrow Never starts today Pills to stay awake Pills to make me sleep Pills to stop the burning Pills that make me weep Love made me a victim Love made me a slave Love taught me addiction Love stole all I gave Silence is the secret Silence from your lips Silence in its bitterness Silence slowly rips Poison in my image Poison in my pen Poison in my countenance Poison hearts of men Intoxicate reality Intoxicate my dreams Intoxicate the way I think Intoxicated screams Deliver me from evil Deliver me from sin Deliver me from innocence Deliverance begins Purple Diamonds Purple diamonds dance in the stark, blue sky They sail ever heavenward, searching vigilantly for a place of rest Streaming ribbons dangle and sway beneath the purple halos that hold them captive The sky is open like the vast, blue sea, swallowing purple jewels as they stagger: Helplessly consumed by the great beyond Below, the snowy earth mourns The silent grave waits Hearts are broken and weep I watch as diamonds fade from view Once in my hand, they now follow your soul My love, I release you into the sky Trying to Breathe Another night without you Alone, I sit and think My tears have all but emptied They now flow out in ink I wonder, are you happy Wherever, without me? I tremble in your absence Adrift upon life’s sea The sky is dull and empty I long for your return My life, once firm and structured, I helpless watch it burn “Farewell, my love!” I whisper I hope you’re happy now You told be to keep breathing I can’t remember how The Crimson I fell so hard and fast Thinking this could last Just when I thought I could be yours My heart, you took and smashed The knife was in your grip You said you must have slipped When in it plunged and twisted hard As words escaped your lips So now I sit and bleed Because your cruel deed Deprived me of the only love In which I could believe I hear you call my name I’ll never be the same You don’t look back to see me there Heartbroken and deranged So walk away and laugh Go take another path The crimson wound you left me with Has conquered me at last Stone and Bronze Stone and bronze and now you’re gone The flowers start to fade Elongate box of cherry wood The wedding dress you made Your purple kiss now locked away In stone, in wood, in earth Your soul, a soft reminder That death is but new birth The lily veil across your face Asleep in satin frill Your epitaph, a Savior’s words He whispers, “Peace, be still” Untitled In the infinite wisdom of the beat of your heart My head rests upon you, no longer apart When morning arouses the life in my eyes I find you there waiting, in sorrowed disguise Your kiss, like a feather, caresses my lips Your eyes and your perfume, and your fingertips They tell me the story of your broken love The sadness that lingers like sound from a dove I hold you so gently as if you will break And whisper my longing for love we could make You tell me you love me in eloquent tones Like water that rushes o'er riverbed stones Then night comes with silence in purple and blue Now lost in a moment of wet lily dew California Trailing through winding roads from high desert to low ocean… from suburbia to the heart of the city. Los Angeles sunshine beating down on me, wearing black in Hollywood. Cruising the Sunset Strip. Seeing where Morrison walked and where Shirley Temple placed her hands in concrete 70 years ago. Capitol Records, Mann’s Chinese Theater, The House of Blues, streets lined with palm trees and two-bedroom million-dollar homes. Location, location, location. Departing, stopping to watch the sunset. Too late. The sun escapes the sky before our eyes meet the horizon. “Oh, well” Ocean life at Pismo with waves crashing, children running and discovering the sea for the first time. A ritzy condo near the shore with views of dunes, lights and endless sea. A sea lion stranded on the beach is rescued and driven to safer waters. The smell of the ocean binds me…the life of the surfer appeals to me. Pebble Beach with its pebble-stricken sand and fluctuating tide-pools. Pelicans dance and dive over the ocean as seaweed washes ashore and tangles in my feet. Fresno town, suburban dreaming. Half ghetto, half middle-class wealthy. Swimming pools on every block with promises of palm tree shade and intimate sunsets. A drive to a park infested with alien-abducted squirrels. Endless strip malls and one-level suburban mansions. The vineyards roll through Paso Robles down into San Luis Obispo. Cave tours of vineyards…barrels of artificial happiness pulling people in. A free barbeque for taking the tour. Drunk woman at the helm of the great grill. The land meets the sky very low on the rippling horizon of those who discovered her beauty many years ago. Chewing on history in Bubblegum Alley and getting lost in the haunted realm of the Mission Museum. Visions of hope for a better life, a new future. High hopes for a new beginning. Promises unaccepted and hopes dashed of a ring that wouldn’t be worn. High desert leaves me desolate inside. She abandons me and I can’t let it go. The sound of a bus engine humming a day early, my children confused at my side. Miles to go before home. Forced to depart against my will. Fresno The miles that roll beneath me eat at me like a cancer You slip farther behind me with every breath I take The hum of the motor is deafening The sound of my heart breaking blinds my vision of you Miles of desert Appropriate scenery for the barren feeling left in me Without you, everything is wrong Everything hurts Everything inside of me suffers The words come with tears of longing and torment I am hollow and devoured by this helpless feeling Your voice is silent Sleep has left me and I stupor in thought Nine hundred miles from home And feeling so alone The empty hole inside my soul Is more than I have known My mind upon a ring With nothing left to sing The road goes on Without a song Or safety that you bring Its Only Wednesday Black pigeon swim in the springtime sky From rooftop to telephone pole You rise above to enjoy the view I long for the same But it's only Wednesday In sackcloth and ashes, I wail Tormented in sin and loss Howling and gnashing into a floor of pain When will it stop? It's only Wednesday Moon fading into western sky As sun overpowers her midnight majesty My heart sinks with the dying nighttime sun It bleeds and sinks and weeps It's only Wednesday Bitter pill gets stuck in my throat Shadows pass my window Supplication for the confused and bewildered In my angst, I relinquish joy It's only Wednesday Shards of ice splinter on the concrete outside Sounds like glass; feels like loss Spine tingling and stomach churning The sound of the day you died It's only Wednesday Soft whispers of days since spent Exhaustion of the tormented angel Soon, we will be one again Years must first pass But it's only Wednesday The Disease Emergency room in late afternoon A summer-like day, beginning of June It started with aches and fever and chills (An odd time of year for feeling such ills) She tries hard to smile, but winces in pain She moans and she cries again and again I step on the gas to get her there fast I fear for the worst; afraid she wont last The hospital waits, I wheel her inside They run a few tests. I wait at her side The doctors make jokes while I sit and cower The time, it drags on, hour after hour They stick her with needles and fill her with pills They give her a blanket to cover the chills The blood work comes back. The tests are complete My wife is exhausted and drugged and asleep The doctor explains what all the tests mean He tells me she’s one of the worst that he’s seen Her kidneys are failing. Her stomachs a mess Some nerves are dying. They’re doing their best He says that they’ll keep her a couple of days But I know the doctor, and I know his ways Minutes are hours, days become weeks Her stay will get longer each time that he speaks I drive home alone and leave her behind ”She'll be taken care of”; I say in my mind The tears start to fall. The road is a blur My heart fills with fear for me and for her My children are home asleep in their beds Blankets and pillows surrounding their heads I walk in their room and give them a kiss They move just a little in slumbering bliss I walk to the couch and lay myself down (Cant sleep in my bed without her around) I stare at the wall and quietly weep Then I drift off in a heartbreaking sleep Oblivious, was I, to the threat in your eye You swallow my life and leave her to die You pierce through my heart and drain out her life As I watch you consume the last of my wife First went her toes, next went her feet Little by little, they cut her like meat One leg at a time, up to the knee A freak show galore for all who could see She brought us two children, so perfect and pure Risking her life with you at the door A nurturing mother, she taught the tots well While hiding the pain of her torturous hell Her kidneys are next. Her body will swell Despite all your fury, she handles it well Her eating slows down; her pressure goes up Her heart, it grows weaker; her time is soon up She tries to use humor, to laugh at her plight You grow like a tumor. She gives a good fight She suffers the pain of body and soul Then, slowly, she slips, as you take your toll I Was Alive It begins with a thought, simple, pure and beautiful. Perhaps the only way to truly express it is to allow myself to feel it. The sun touches each of us, whether we want it to or not; sometimes inspiring and warming, sometimes scorching and deadly. We need it to live and light our paths, wherever they may lead. But it is a heartless, burning beast, eager to burn the earth and everything in it. The wind blows through my hair with a fervor that feels as if it is in love with my head, my eyes, my face, and my torso. It streaks across my body like a mad, obsessed lover, freeing me to feel alive in the most beautiful of ways. It carries me into the sky. The rain begins as a drizzle, then weakens and falls from its place in the heavens as if trying to drown me in warm, sweet love. Then the floods rise and my emotions are filled to capacity, soaking me in overwhelming sensory murder. The smell of murder, passion, jealousy and sweet serenity is in the air. Is this what it’s all about? I ask myself. Perhaps I have taken too little notice of what this life should be, and paid too much attention to what is sensible and expected of me. When the snow falls thick and heavy, rooftops collapse, cars crash, people die. But there is also a beautiful silence that follows the blizzard. If I listen, I can hear the voices of the thousands who went before me who beg me not to make the ultimate mistake, not to idle my time with senseless occupation: to allow myself to love, hurt, laugh, and experience life in all its bittersweet glory until the day that my body lies down in the dust: the cold, cold dust. I saw the sunset. I felt the wind, and I smelled the rain. I was alive The Wayside The whisperings of my soul ebb and flow I saw the sun setting on you and wondered I believe I wait I pray If you leave me again, I will not follow You are the light and my last hope for love My aged soul doth tremble in your presence You are all I cling to now Without you, all is lost and despair is victorious Look into me and see this yearning Reciprocating but still incomplete Give me a sign, some hope for a future Lest I fall by your wayside The Face by the Door I put that face on today…you know the one It lets me pretend I’m happy On the worst of days, though I crumble inside, There is a smile on my haggard face for all of the world to see This new face appears confident and brings comfort to all around me It lets me laugh at the stupid jokes they tell It forces me to wake up in the morning To make choices, interact and pretend that I am alive When the day is done, and those around me Whom I have been obligated to impress are gone I take the face off Set it aside And move from weep to sleep The Wall The head games are back with a vengeance You surround yourself in walls of confusion and self-preservation I bear my soul to you freely But the walls won’t fall They are immovable and steadfast Won’t you let me in? Just a glimpse? A gate or a door to your heart cannot be found It doesn’t exist Can’t climb over, Can’t dig beneath You can have your protection I cannot, will not attempt to conquer I surrender and lower my weapons Weeping at your feet and against my own will, I beg your pardon And walk away Life and Light Love, in essence, an embryo So small, so fragile, so beautiful It grows as nourishment is delivered Feeding off of its host, the source of all life A tiny spark, an eventual inferno Consuming me…Does it consume you, too? I want to grow and burn with you Grow and burn, grow and burn We start so small, yet loom so large Your tiny waist Your ivory smile I grow into you and you into me We, at last, are one; no longer twain A love is born into new light A light that has no end My light, I give to you Your light consumes my soul God’s Eyes Fog envelopes cars in the rising sun God’s eyes follow me down the freeway Crimson eyes from behind fluorescent trances I swerve and sway behind the slowest The moon, in tailpipe pollution filtration Hangs heavy in the eastern sky Full and red, it lights my way And bathes me in its crimson aura The cold air grabs my face And stiffens into pain when I smile I move quickly Afraid my skin will freeze and split So cold it hurts to smile So fast it never stops So bright it ever blinds me God’s eyes pursue me Dead End Phone Call I pace the floor like a caged animal The phone in my hand, I struggle to make the call Long has been the wait Hard has been the journey The time has come to hear your voice Time to allow you inside Adrenaline! I dial. It rings. Answering machine Hours pass. I call again A stranger’s voice answers. You aren’t home I leave a message and wait for your return Bill collectors School teachers Parents Everyone calls…Everyone but you The day grows old The phone is silent Surrender at Sea My raft is all a shambles Mere sticks separate me from the depths of life’s sea No shelter from the sun’s burning rays No cover to warm me when night comes I row toward an unknown destination Weary now am I; and frightened Storm clouds gather on the horizon The sun sets as black clouds race toward me Lightning strikes; waves pummel my wayward craft I cling for dear life as I am helplessly tossed When morning comes, Silence. I sleep while the sun cooks my skin and fades my hair Exhausted! No land in sight I surrender my oars to the great blue Adrift now, I wait for rescue I long for death Steven Steven was tired and sick in the head Steven laid down his heartbroken head Softly, his body sank into the bed Then Steven got sad Then Steven was dead It started with losing the love of his life The pain, so intense, dug in like a knife He cried and he wailed ‘til his head and chest hurt The tears flooded down from his face to his shirt He gave it some time with hope it would heal This wound in his soul had power to kill A pain so intense, it took all his breath His will to survive consumed by her death First went by days. Then weeks, months and years The pain did not lessen, but lengthened his tears He cried to his God, his soul to be saved Lest sorrow take hold and send him to the grave Along came another who thought she could heal This wound in his spirit that threatened to kill She promised him everything…all she could give And pledged him her life in marriage to live But sorrow took hold and tore them apart Before they could marry, he’d broken her heart She cried and she hurt, and then went her way She left him to suffer with nothing to say So Steven went home exhausted and spent The suffering followed wherever he went He couldn’t stop yelling at those whom he loved He couldn’t stop hurting from losing his love Steven was tired and sick in the head So Steven laid down his heartbroken head He swallowed some pills, sank into his bed Steven was sad Then Steven was dead She Silken tongue slithers up her thigh She submits and opens to him Pointed and deliberate He traces her waiting, flowing warmth Lips devour Tongue invades He drinks her honey thirsty and free She writhes and moans and arches Ecstatic invitation The soft touch of his fingers penetrate Tongue Lips Fingers Rhythmic in a symphony of touch She rises to the occasion The hot whispering of her breath in my ear She golden, glistening and ready Her skin like milk She moans softly Hushed and Bitter Hushed and bitter I hear your name whispered The quiet of another day Clears my head to think and feel Did you enjoy your cruelty? Do you feel big and accomplished? I can give you nothing now In this silence I see your face And spit into the wind, wishing it was you I walk the delicate wall between love and hate I could kill with this cancerous thought But silence is better And you will hear it scream Each time the sun sets you will regret and ache While I slumber in peace Scream out my name, you wretched fiend Hushed and bitter I will rise above and laugh Lady of Salt Lake air hot and humid Salty and endless Smothers me in a welcoming stench So many rivers rushing in So many waters moving forward No way out This is the end Death of a freshwater river in a lake of salt and brine Tiny life beneath the waves The carcasses of a thousand birds Litter the shoreline as it ebbs and flows Don't drink the water Just breathe the air My skin is tight on me like leather Impossible to sink The sea lies dead before me I thirst but I die I drown but I float I inhale her scent and I'm a child again Eloquent Remembrance Sinking into summer sky Red moon rising among blackened peaks Dark clouds scud and gather Her kisses are warm and deep My guitar sings out as her lips caress my neck Love runs deeper than ever before The sound of swooning in the summertime Shy smiles and wry humor I sink deeper into her The grass consumes us The elements celebrate My guitar sings out as her lips caress my neck Shooting star and universe High above our heads Two lovers inseparable beneath God's creation We are one and we are all My guitar sings out as her lips caress my neck Sinner Lay down for me the law of your salvation Sing to me the song of soft temptation You brought me here; now what do you want to do? I am not the perfect soul for you But I am naked, willing and imprisoned Don't touch me where I cannot stop the flow Of passion's sound; I'm never letting go You built me up to drain me dry And deep inside, my self-worth dies I am better than this You turned me into this Through promises of bliss Now I am empty... The Saint I wear a halo from behind and I can do no wrong As long as light is in my eyes, I'll fly The purest of the righteous souls I melt you with a glance of my all-searching eye I am perfection; I am a saint I am deliverance; I'm everything you ain't I can do no wrong You can do no right I will pierce your heart with love Then steal it from your side for your sake Hold on to my halo I can do no wrong Grab me by the halo And see into my song Let me give you soft relief Let me show you my belief You can trust in me... After the Chaos Before the calm comes the chaos Before hunger is satisfied comes the kill We are organized through disarray My thoughts are shambles Splintered into shards of intelligence Then comes the focus The realm of quiet peace enshrouds me Before the sleep of death Comes the mania of being alive Before love can be true It must be lost Before birth comes the ritual Thought cannot thrive in clutter Inspiration flows into me When everything is in place She came to me out of confusion I answered her from my own chaos We two became lucid All that follows is love and contentment Insanity is stripped from me through her I seep into serenity Pinpricks and Flowers The earth is dank and quiet Spattered clouds scud across the growing sky Spider on the wall waits I doze in sparse increments as she inches ever closer Soft spring flowers caress my hand They feel like your face once did; Soft, enchanting, soothing in my clutch They soon fade and die like you, my love When I sleep, the spider will bite Tomorrow brings the wound I receive in slumbering ignorance The sun sets, then rises again The flowers in my hand are dead Pin prick holes from the spider's fangs She has long returned to her web The taste in my mouth is like dust I am smitten and parched and bitten The earth is dank and quiet Spattered clouds scud across the growing sky... The Thaw of Forgiveness She presses gentle hands and ruby lips Against my crying face It's been too long And I have ached for her healing Like Spring kills winter She melts my icy heart and causes it to bloom and warm I was as blind as the night is dark But when the light came It was her face that I saw first She was there all along Waxing and waning as I tossed to and fro Forgiveness, I pray! For my ignorance and suffering Just hold me now Give me safety and comfort Where there was chaos and abandon Kiss my fervent lips Make love to my burning body Let healing speak now And forgiveness blind the past The Unexpected It comes out of nowhere A knife in the heart A slap in the face The best of intentions gone awry Expect the unexpected Build your fire wall and weep You never know what creeps around the corner Lurking in the shadows Preying on your soft spot With fangs that pierce and claws like razors A place where spiteful words fly freely You are in the path of cutting sermons The creature that stalks you is unseen A sifter of wheat; divider of wheat from chaff A delicate whisper in your ear As subtle as moon rise in summertime Think fast on your feet! Expect the unexpected God Laughs Cuts like shards of splintered glass Pierces deep into my wretched soul Is there deliverance from this dark place? God laughs as I fall to my knees in supplication Tiny rivers stream down my aging face Lines and wrinkles serve as river valleys of despair The blood in my veins echoes my sin As I bleed from heartbeat to fingertips I thought the earth was trembling As I was writhing upon the floor But the earth stood still and silent I was I, who was trembling after all If God is there in his majesty Why am I left alone to suffer? Where is the answer to my sorrowed prayer? There is none left to comfort to my left or to my right Those that I love suffer and die all around me I am helplessly left alive to observe Dying is not the end Living is the greater punishment Sleeping without love I sleep the sleep of one well worn The water runs clear through golden faucets My hair, a monster growing on my head Thick and thin, out of control and wry Unshaven, unkempt, unconscious I am swimming in seduction and longing Aching for the thrill of being alive I breathe, but am not breathtaking I see, but am not seen Indivisible invisibility between my soul and body My heart arches and spirals in a haze of numbness Cool water soothes my face from an emerald basin She saves me from compulsion and mania But she isn't in love with me anymore Morrison Give me a god in temporary fashion Make him lean and impermeable His hair like a lion, His ribs shallow and fleshless Make him mighty in prose and performance Bring him up from the depths of the sea Expose him to the world raw and naked He dances with witches but only loves one truly, deeply She lights his fire aboard the Crystal Ship Wrapped in fur and leather, hard and hedonistic, he screams wild He knows the secret abode of the poetic dead Let him die at the hands of his own self-destruction Where I can discover only the mystery left behind Let his words seep into my veins Let his freedom show me the way The Lizard King, so lost and barren, his bones lay drying in the Paris ground His words instill new life in the poet's soul From bathtub to casket, his words never die And so I live on in words and angst Sleep now; Speak softly from the silent grave The Death of Art The poet is dead! The poet is dead! For hours and days He lay sick in his bed His sustenance waned The absinthe was drained As ruthless bacteria Devoured his brain The painter is dead! The painter is dead! For two heartsick days He suffered in bed He loaded his gun And soon it was done Through madness and sadness And flowers of sun The singer is dead! The singer is dead! She died in the kitchen And not in her bed Her body was frail Her heart bound to fail Her stomach was empty Her pretty face pale The author is dead! The author is dead! Electroshock ruined His mem’ry, he said The shotgun was loud With gunpowder cloud It stifled his pride His head finally bowed Until I dreamt of you I dreamt of you last eve. You were happy, content at my side We sauntered for hours through rain and sun, laughing in the face of the elements Your eyes reflected your soul staring into mine They poured into me like a raging river; gushing your innermost feelings Soaking and drowning me. But you didn’t know it I cowered as I took your hand It was soft like a rose petal, thought I I longed to kiss your soft, rose petal hand I raised the rose to my mouth and kissed it delicately Your face flitted betwixt rapture and terror Then, you smiled at me like the sunrise on your face Like standing in a darkened room Opening the door to face the sun at noon I moved to embrace as you trembled in my arms and began to cry Looking away from me, the sun on your face going down like winter setting in You pushed me away like a disease Confusion exploding inside my head and hurling me far away I cannot let you in, you softly whispered through tears You wouldn’t tell me why I left feeling confused, jaded Until consciousness consumed me I found myself laying in bed, alone I tried to shake the dream, but sleep was far behind me I dressed and found my way out into empty 3 AM streets I walked and thought, my heart heavy I didn’t know I loved you until I dreamt of you He He is the son of neglect and abandonment He found a home with others willing to look after him He was a wild child who grew in an environment of chaos and discontent He roamed the world free of discipline or structure, wandering…aimlessly He is a survivor if sexual abuse at the hand of a so-called family friend He is also the survivor of parents who did nothing to stop it He grew up angry and betrayed, bitter and alone He found music; it became his teacher, his mentor, his mother, father, brother and sister He traveled through darkness at the loss of friends and innocence He found comfort in the dark and grew quiet and introverted He found a light and held her in his arms. Then, he married her He followed his light and found the way home to his heart, and loved again He embraced his children and taught them God and religion He watched his light suffer through the sickness of her body He suffered with her, every waking moment, with every painful breath He held his children close, and let them cry He found solace in words and music: in God and nature He found a peace that allowed him to release the darkness, letting it fly He returned to innocence through his children and through prayer He began the search for meaning...and found it. Thinking of Her She swims through my mind like the soft underbelly of a dream come true Soft, flowing and delicate, her hair surrounds her face in a rapturous and tender embrace Her mouth is a pearled gateway into her thoughts, like peering deep into her soul each time she smiles or speaks Small, but strong, sweet, but determined, she displays a certain dignity like that of a rose slowly opening in the morning sun I wonder about the time when she will enter my heart, when I will finally be able to let my guard down and consume her sweet, sweet essence of being Lightning strikes whenever I see or hear of her Shocked to the center, I stagger and sway in her presence like a heathen drunk Or a great ship, tossed to and fro, preparing to capsize in the ocean of her love Her eyes embrace mine in brief, fluttering butterflies I long for her arms to surround me like a python devouring its prey In an instant, I am hers and helpless to stop this feeling, this need, this want, this desire, this…destiny She floats for miles away from my physical being, in and out of my life Yet she is always with me, unknowing of my love for her In the morning, she is my first thought She follows me through the day and lies with me at night, comforting me gently, softly As I drift into sleep, I dream of her… Driving into the Lightning Thunder shakes the earth beneath my wheels as I put the car in reverse The car eases backward out of the driveway like my repentant and obedient servant On the horizon, fireworks: a fantastic display of electricity, noise and rain The car in drive, I aim the front of it toward the impending doom in the sky And drive into the lightning The streets are submerged in a light blanket of dark rain The painted lines in the road fade to black, making it impossible to distinguish lanes I squint and lean forward toward the windshield as I struggle to keep the road in view The city lights fading behind me, I enter the open desert, which envelops me in blackness And drive into the lightning Flashes like strobe lights illuminate the approaching mountain range Thunder begins to roll across the sky in the distance and above my head Sounds like faraway warfare: Bombs, guns, explosives, flash and roll, flash and roll, flash and roll I drive into the lightning I see the road in bright white increments I slow to meet its winding demands My headlights are useless I rely solely on the flashes in the distance to light my path I squint, strain and slow And drive into the lightning Listen to Us Fall God bless the innocent and ignorant who are victimized daily by cunning, money-grubbing greed mongers in a world where the elderly and widowed are despised and forgotten and where children have no voice This is the land of the homeless wanderer, scouring the heartless streets, eating from garbage cans and soup kitchens, dining on what the rich have discarded A land where every child is taught to dream of being President, never being taught that money always talks louder than a dream Corporate America rules the world; Politicians and lawyers run the country Food drives the poor man’s stomach; Money rules the rich man’s soul The Godless man chants: blame God! Blame God because I smoke! Blame God because I drink! Blame God because I suffer! Blame God because I am alone! Our own choices have brought us to this vast and empty wilderness Our own design and invention brings us misery I don’t want your politics; I don’t need to know your race Don’t give me love in costume; Just open up your eyes People live and people die; People choose their way Within a sea of mud and thirst; They always close their eyes Tell me, is it God who’s in the wrong? Your brother’s burning bridges and he’s stringing you along Anyone can write the words to state a point of view Describing life behind my eyes I place the blame on you How many hours wasted on lazy, muddled thought? Within a cavern of deceit, when will we get caught? Show me, show me, show me Where have we gone wrong? God may yet deliver Our days will not be long Where are you going world? When will you end? Here we are, upon your face, sinking in the sand Down we go, and all at once! (we will not die alone) We’re holding hands with Beelzebub and sitting on his throne We’re screaming at him, spitting on the beast who hates us all Nonetheless, we won’t let go Listen to us fall! Listen to us fall! Listen to us fall! As Ravens Fly A raven flew over my house today as I stepped outside the door His mournful cry reminding me that your life was no more I watched his mighty wings caress the sky above his head As he traveled from the living world back to the world of dead I longed to have him take me to your soothing, loving side To one more day of happiness from endless tears I’ve cried The autumn air was cold and brisk; the leaves were dead and dry My heart was lost in thoughts of you as the raven drifted by And as he faded from my sight I looked upon the ground Through vision blurred by bitter tears, and heard the softest sound The sound of love and peace and joy came racing to my ears A lone and wayward, cooing dove delivered me from tears She Loved Me More She loved me more When I was new Before my ugly side She knew I bought her gifts To hide my fear And whispered longings In her ear She loved me more When I was strong Before my weakness Came along She used to laugh At every joke Before the fool In me awoke She loved me more When I was young Back when our lives Had just begun We used to talk For hours on end Before I said things To offend She loved me more Before she knew That I would bring Her sorrow, too Now late at night She slumbers sweet And dreams of someone New to meet Depression I am worthless And refuse to leave the house I sleep too much I don’t sleep enough People are a curse to me I am heavy like stone Yet pliable like jelly In my state I suffer in silence It crushes me I can’t breathe I am poor despite wealth The savor of life is flavorless I dream of early demise And there is none to hear me cry I watch my helpless life crumble Into paralyzed dust I am a broken, aging man Without prospect of peace Insomnia It’s three a.m. and I can’t sleep I close my eyes and count some sheep The sheep go mad and run about They broke my bed so I threw them out I took a pill that made me fly (Excuse me while I kiss the sky) It made me spin; it made me sick But didn’t really do the trick I got some milk and warmed it up Then poured it in a little cup I settled in and closed my eyes Just as the sun began to rise Alone You left me alone Nowhere to call home Now I sit and cry Did you have to die? I am not a man Don’t know where to stand I’m so lost inside Nowhere left to hide Did you find some peace When you were released? Hope you’re happy now Can you teach me how? I can only cry Don’t want to say goodbye Now I have no choice So lost without your voice I am so alone No one I can phone She is down the street I fall at her feet All our future plans Sank into the sand The moment that you left My soul of life bereft How can I go on? How can I sing songs? Without you here to hear Still, I feel you near Now I go to sleep Softly as I weep The bed is big and cold Alone, I’m growing old You Will Never Know You can read it in the paper Or in a magazine You can set your mind at rest for a while The promises that wait For you to make a move Are staring at you from a magazine If you want to lose fifty pounds They offer you a drug And in the end it all comes out While you sit there like a slug You can see it on the TV Or walking down the street You can focus all your thoughts on how you look Is your hairdo done just right? Are your teeth the whitest white? You could end up on the cover of GQ If you need some hair replaced They’ve got just the thing So go ahead and spend your cash Invest it in a cream You can lay out in the sun To turn on everyone Without a thought of cancer ever setting in You can suction out the fat To make your tummy flat And when you gain it back, begin again If you need a smaller nose They’ll break it for a fee And have you smelling through a hose Within a month or three If you don’t like the way You look from day to day Just a little silicone will meet your needs By the time you’re through With all your plastic games You’re only half the man you used to be Road to Forgiveness One more look at the clock and it’s all over The sun is showing her face to me again Six a.m. came sooner than I ever thought it would Another day is rolling ‘round the bend The things you said last night have left me empty to the core The angry words that left my lips aren’t with me anymore So before I rise to leave again, my darling With you still sleeping softly by my side Can we try to find a peaceful resolution Before our time together passes by? We’ve been together long enough to know how to forgive So let’s forget last night and just remember how to live My memories of you are ever changing With every day that passes swiftly by I try to cherish every moment with you But I can’t seem to stop the hands of time For every day that blesses us, I’m grateful you are here I want to hear you laughing as I whisper in your ear Just promise me you won’t stay mad forever And tell me I’m forgiven once again Deliver me from darkness and confusion The love we share, it doesn’t have to end It’s a long road back to forgiveness It’s a long way back to where we were If I say I’m sorry first, will you open up to me? Or will you simply look the other way? Hands from Heaven Now that the day is over Nighttime is drawing nigh You rest in a field of clover And I miss you so much that I cry I watch as the leaves change color As the air moves from warm to cold One day turns into another The year is growing old I sit here alone in silence In the room that we both once shared Where your body lay sick and violent And you told me how much you cared Everyone who knew you Came running to your side Everyone that you knew Was there to say goodbye I tried so hard to smile To act like I was okay I went the extra mile To keep my emotions at bay But now I’m alone and empty And I am tortured by every thought Want to cry but my heart won’t let me And I wish that it all would stop So lay your hands on me from heaven So I can feel your love again Let me know when you are near to me Say it doesn’t have to end Will you come to me in my dreams at night And whisper in my ear? Tell me everything will be alright Wipe away these bitter tears Everybody’s Dead Come on in! Everybody’s dead Set down your feet; take off your head Let’s talk until our tongues fall out Let me chew upon your ear Part of me is over there But the better half is here Afterthoughts It’s funny how it happens The way I get sucked in To all the lies and stories It seems I never win The way you like to talk to me The look that’s in your eyes It’s blinding me like nothing else Until my will just dies I don’t know how it happened I should’ve run and hid And I can’t quite explain just why I did the things I did But just remember this A stolen night of bliss Does not compare to trading you For lasting happiness I’m tossing and I’m turning I’m not getting any sleep You always steal my time from me And everything I try to keep You’re not so big, you’re not so strong Except when I am weak When I am down and all burned up And things are looking bleak But I’m not a stupid fool Despite what you might think And I don’t know why I’m writing this When you’re such a waste of ink And just in case you thought That I had some more to give I won’t come crawling back to you While I still have time to live So don’t ask me for another Thousand reasons to be kind You know you never are Because you’re so out of your mind And I won’t waste by breath When all my breathing’s done for you In the end our memory Is nothing I can use I have one final thought From the bottom of my soul: Who has a shovel big enough To help you dig that hole? And just how will you feel When your one and only friend Becomes your own worst enemy And burns you in the end? Creeping Time Creeping time: creeping up on me One more year pass in front of me Time is short and it’s fading fast Watch my future become my past Give me wings that I might fly Give me breath that I might not die Give me hope for another day Keep the darkest night at bay Creeping time: creeping up on me Growing older in my dreams You are ever slipping past My perception’s gone at last Will I ever be the same? Can’t control it: who’s to blame? All my images of you Fading with the morning dew Yesterday you were so small Overnight you grew so tall Won’t be long and you’ll be gone Give me strength to carry on The Likes of You In the aftermath of everything I didn’t say to you I can only pray you’ll give me the time of day When my world turns black and I need a shoulder to cry upon I keep hoping that you will look my way There’s an emptiness that springs from deep inside of me Like a chasm, deep and pulling me in I keep thinking you will reach down and rescue me But your hand is always just out of reach I can only be the person you believe I am But I’m not the ‘me’ that you’ve got in your head You will never know the need I feel to be with you And I can’t explain: I might as well be dead And I’m not the kind you’re looking for I can see it in your eyes And I ask myself, what do I do this for? It should come as no surprise It’s a desperate need in me To belong to the likes of you It’s a desperate need in me To believe in the likes of you Vanilla Saturday And when I stop to take a breath Something whispers in my ear Like vanilla on a Saturday In the autumn of the year You’re Not There to Stop Me I’m running through the yard With scissors in my hand And a sucker in my mouth And you’re not there to stop me I’m not looking left And I’m not looking right When I cross the road In the middle of the night And you’re not there to stop me Gonna open up the door And let the cold air in Gonna heat the whole outside Gonna make an ugly face Cross my eyes, stick out my tongue And it might just stick that way I’m doing that thing You said would make me go blind And stunt my very growth And you’re not there to stop me I’m talking to strangers Everywhere I go And taking all their candy And you’re not there to stop me Gonna get myself some milk Just swig it from the jug And leave the fridge wide open Gonna sit right down and wait ‘Till dad gets home from work So he can slap me silly I wrote this song Just to piss you off Like fingernails on a blackboard And you weren’t here to stop me I put you in a home Moved into your house And sold everything you have You couldn’t be there to stop me Gonna muddy up my feet And walk across your floor Again and again and again I was born inside a barn And raised by a pack of wolves And I sound just like my father I robbed all the banks And hid from the law I moved from state to state And you weren’t there to stop me I murdered a man While I was on the lam And lit his corpse on fire And you weren’t there to stop me Now I’m on death row Just waiting for The Chair I’m scared and I’m sad and I’m lonely I look back at it now And I wonder where you were Too little, too late, too bad I just sat down And they’ve strapped me in They’re about to throw the switch ‘Cuz you weren’t there to stop me My Bones How many times must the world go ‘round Before you will finally come around? And how many nights must I sit alone With the ache of despair digging into my bones? Been a hundred long years since I saw your face Back before you dropped out of the human race Now I sit and I think about the days gone by Those were much better times, but I’m not gonna cry I fell at your feet and I gave you my soul Just how deep I would get I could not really know You tasted so sweet like a honeycomb But you bittered in my belly and I sank like a stone I tried and I tried while you lied and you lied I wasted so much breath that I almost died In the end, you were nothing that you said you’d be So I crawled back into my hole and wept bitterly You made me believe I was the only one But like the sand in the sea there were a billion to one Tried to open my eyes but I lost my sight Tried to save what was us but you put up a fight From the sea and the sun to the mountains and moon You made all the right moves and you made me swoon I thought I was safe in your velvet arms But then your razor-wire walls set off the alarm You were as soft as a feather on a moonlit night But when I saw you inside, you were a dreadful sight I gave you a diamond but it tarnished and cracked I knew deep in my heart there was no going back You laughed right out loud when my angst came out It was then when I knew what you were all about You were as cold and as brazen as an iron rod You were king of the hill and you thought you were God On the day that I left, you were tiny and weak So many tears in your eyes that you could not speak And it tore at my heart to see you cower and cry But I knew in my bones that I must say goodbye California Aftermath California aftermath is racing through my mind Don’t know where my head was at when I thought I was your kind Had a pocket full of diamond rings when I slept upon your floor And a plethora of songs to sing: but you always wanted more Sleeping on a trampoline in Hisperia’s back yard High in the desert, you and me, underneath a billion stars Lost inside a dusty bowl of broken imagery And going to a movie underneath the tall palm trees Remember how I made you laugh and how I made you smile? And how I ached to be with you, despite a thousand miles? The condo at the ocean where I laughed until I cried And how I pledged my life to you too soon after she died? I’ve got an ocean full of memories Washed upon the shore Down through the streets of Hollywood I won’t be coming back no more From Fresno to San Luis And down to the mission store I’m going home a day too soon I won’t be coming back no more Go on and build your mansion in the Hollywood Hills And try to solve all my problems with your magic little pills You can smear my name to all your family and friends And you can tell them how I hurt you while you lie and pretend You can fake those tears to make them all believe While you cheat and you steal and you lie and deceive But you forget I was there and I saw what you did I saw who you hurt and all the secrets you hid You took from me what you can never give back And you will pay for it all through all the love that you lack I will dust off my feet as I walk away This is the final word: there is nothing more I can say Little Girl Cry Little girl cry and little girl sigh Little girl run away without your daddy by your side Daddy had no choice when mommy came along And took your tiny hand from where it once belonged Little girl dance and little girl sing Little girl come back to me with all the happiness that you bring Mommy came along and she stole your life away Leaving daddy far behind without a word to say Little girl learn and little girl grow Little girl, away from me: from the father you’ll never know Mommy spread those lies to justify her needs About your daddy’s wicked ways to all who would believe Late at night I cry And I wonder how you are And I wonder why Why did you fly away so far? Until You I was at the end When you spoke to me so sweetly I was at the end When you loved me so completely I was on the brink Of a never-ending heartache And I began to think That I was done Then I looked in your eyes So soft, so kind and wise When you reached out to me Soon you were all I could see I was without a friend When you put your arm around me Feared I would never mend When you let your love surround me I was lost inside Of the deepest, darkest chasm Alone, inside I cried And ached for you Then you smiled soft at me And I knew just what I could be I knew my heart was yours Opening all my locked doors The storms in my life were still raging When you came on a calm summer night I could feel my broken heart was aging When you filled it with your life giving light I was broken down and forgotten Then you came along and set me free I was feeling lost and abandoned Until you gave love to me She Said Call me on the phone I am all alone With the dial tone She said Come down to my place Let me see your face And I will wear my lace She said Come into my door And I will show you more Yes, I will be your whore She said Come up to my room Nothing to assume Come and meet your doom She said Come into my bed Rest your weary head There’s nothing here to dread She said Let me touch your skin Feel you deep within Again and again and again She said Hold me to your side With me here abide Give me place to hide She said Softly fall asleep Take no thought to weep Let your sleep be deep She said Let me take your life With my shiny knife And I won’t tell your wife She said The Sound Of Snow Falling It pounds and bleeds as it slips from the sky I am covered and buried and cold and barren My wasteland is a forbidding fortress of love and lust In my weakest moments, I writhe and suffer through countless temptations But I am free falling like the snow outside my door My twisting memories thrust and writhe on a bed of shame Sometimes, when the wind blows, I still hear you whispering The loudest sound of the softest moment lites on my head like a feather My love... By and By The splendor of my youth is passing by The day is growing old and so am I Every day my death is drawing nigh It may not come today, but by and by... (c) 2010 Steven Grames |
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